K-Fed’s Night Moves

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Well, K-Fed likes to get it on at night, it seems. At least when it comes to getting papers served. Last night, Britney’s cousin Alli Sims was served with a court summons from Camp Federline’s custody team. Alli is also the face behind that new OTC diet med of the same name. Maybe she has been helping Brit-Brit stay up a little too long, if ya get my drift. As in, “Throw me down another rail of that “diet medicine”, cuz.” Followed by wild giggling and a long nasal suction that would rival a
Hoover vacuum cleaner. Then again, that’s just a guess.
TMZ seems to think it’s so she can be a witness to Brit’s boozing. Either way, Spears is about to get  speared. Oh God…..did I just say that? Sorry.

Picture via Bosh


K-Fed’s Gonna Get the Kids

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Dear sweet God! Kevin Federline has filed suit against Britney Spears to get more custody of the kids. No one knows exactly how much custody he is demanding as his attorney, Mark Kaplan, has had the records sealed. But we do know that K-Fed dropped a new rap song to give the world a hint…..

Diggity Diggity (ya’ll put your hands together now)

Mad as hell

And back on the scene

I’m sick of this sh**

And gonna get mean

Just rolled up a 3 foot joint

So I can rap to ya’ll

And tell ya my point.

See I’m K-Fed

And these is my chillens

All ya’ll thought I was the villain

But now ya know

Why I had to transplant

Cuz that crazy ho

Won’t wear no damn pants.

(CHORUS)

2007 and I’ma get mo visitation Then Daddy be blingin’All over the nation

(CHORUS ENDS)

I’m taking Brit to court

So custamody I can get

Cuz she was in my front yard

Takin’ a sh**

Ain’t got no sense

Ain’t broke out a new song

She ain’t even smart enough

To put weed in a bong

(REAPEAT CHORUS)2007 and I’ma get mo visitation

Then Daddy be blingin’All over the nation

(CHORUS ENDS)

So I’ma get mines back Cuz these chillens in need

Of a daddy who can show em

How to hold they weed.

For reals

Brit done left

And hocked her damn ring

And without more child support

I’m straight runnin’ outta bling. K-Fed in the house!Peace! I’m out!

Yes, my Anger Allies, in only a few short years, these kids will make the Jerry Springer Show look like frickin’ Captain Kangaroo. And as sick as it makes me, I find myself pulling for K-Fed. Damn, is there any chance the grandma could win?

Picture via A Hot Mess


Would you let him?

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Well, now here’s a frickin’ body slam I can get with! Incredible wrestling mogul egotistical bastard and head of the WWE, Vince McMahon got wrestling move put on him when he was slammed with papers for a paternity suit according to my good friends at TMZ. I am sure it will soon come out that the woman in question was subdued by a brain buster move and then put into a submission hold just to get her to let Vince rub his grey-haired raisins all up on her. I will say, however, that I’m amazed that the sperm could fight their way past the steroids that call his scrotum home.  Maybe they used the DDT. I guess I really don’t wanna know that much anyway. Nonetheless, this story will surely be played out in the square circle with a lot of yelling and posturing and really bad grammar. BE THERE! BE THERE! BE THERE!

 More details to follow…. Picture via SLAM! sports


Rehab? At a posh lodge in Utah? Ooooh….sounds fun!

lindsay5.jpgLindsay Lohan Drunksy Blowhan has magically disappeared. Except, not. Word on the street (because that’s where hardcore beat writers like me have to mingle to get you this kind of dirt. Danger lurks on every corner. Why, just last night, I nearly got water splashed on my new khakis from a Hummer that was doing well in excess of the speed limit. Now that’s scary!)  Lindsay Drunksy has found her way to Mormonsville aka
Utah. Allegedly, she has checked into the Cirque Lodge rehab center in Sundance, UT. Our best hope is that she can be brainwashed to convert to Mormonism and devote her life to serving the greater good, working with her hands, riding in buggys and milking cows. Oh wait, that’s Amish. Damn it! But, Speaking of Amish, remember that movie with
Harrison Ford called
Witness? Now THAT was entertainment. Lindsay Drunksy….not so much. FYI — Her movie, I Know Who Killed Me, opened up and made about $16 from a couple of 13 year olds who wanted to see her naked. Ummmmm……get the internet you dweebs!  Now, to see how a real pro handles her booze….check out my girl over at Yeeeah.
 

Anyway…..more details to come!


Skeletal Love

richie121280à—1024.jpgAccording to internet guru, Perez Hilton, it seems that the only living skeleton in history, Nicole Itchy Richie, will forego waiting until September and go ahead and hand her bones over to the lawdogs to serve her time. It’s sure to be 4 days of complete hell. Gees, hope she doesn’t lose any weight. Maybe Lionel will come down and sing Penny Lover to her so she can get some sleep. I know it would damn sure bore me to that point.  

Anyway…stand by for the sure to be drama filled event that the world is watching because apparently they don’t have anything better to do ….like trim their toenails, watch the grass grow, shave back hair….something….damn. Any minute TMZ will have 32 posts in a row about it and then my friends over at Yeeeah will absolutely destroy it!


Britney a murderer?

britney-399400.jpgEarlier this week, Britney Spears became so mad at a paparazzi photographer for taking pictures of her and her two kids that, in front of a massive crowd, she yelled, “I am going to kill you! I am going to effing kill you!” Following that, she rared back and chunked a baby bottle at him. Are you frickin’ kidding me? Come on, Britney……you’re gonna kill someone? You’re not even smart enough to put on matching socks much less premeditate a murder.  I imagine your plan would involve a giant catapult and a boulder or maybe some acme jet propelled sneakers and an anvil. Maybe there’s some risk but I’d say this guy has a better shot of being picked off by a swooping pterodactyl than by you. And to add to the crazy, now one of your friends has leaked to the media that when you can’t find your cigarettes, you ask the rugrats to help mommy find her lollipops. Yeah, I imagine that’s because everyone knows that kids hate lollipops. So, by that logic, I guess at your house whiskey is known as “mommy’s magical sweet tea” and your bong is the “funtime fog machine”.  Face it, Britney….you should feel lucky enough to just figure out how to count to twenty without numbering your fingers and toes. Murder is out of the question. You’re no OJ, my friend. The only things you’ll be killing are a bag of dorritos, a few liters of Mountain Dew and what few brain cells you have left.  

Frankly, I hope she is charged. And, as bad as I hate to say it….please forgive me, God……I think K-Fed may be the better parent. Oh my God! Did I say that out loud. I have to go shower. More details as they come.

Picture via McLady


Who hid my shampoo?

corey-clark.jpgAccording to my good friends at The Corey and Jay Show, former American Idol, Corey Clark, is back at it again.   You may remember him from such “Greatest Hits” as getting booted from Idol for a previous conviction, writing paying someone to write a book about how he did the horizontal mambo with Paula Abdul (would that really be something you WANTED to tell people?) and having a warrant out in Arizona for another crime. Add another track to the Corey’s greatest hits.  This time he got picked up in North Little Rock, AR for……drumroll…….can ya feel the suspense?……….that’s right boys and girls, possession of marijuana. I am as shocked as when Pete Doherty got popped last time for drugs. I know, I know….it was his 47th arrest but it was STILL shocking! I mean, it was just so……awww forget it. Corey, you’re a dumbass. And may I suggest some anti-frizz shampoo?


The New Al “Green”

trey-day.jpgAccording to many sources, including this shamelessly Democratic website, Al Gore III pleaded guilty to possessing marijuana (aka the barbecue iguana, the hippie lettuce, the chronic, the fatty boombalatty) as well as some other prescription drugs but the judge told “Trey” that he can have the charges dropped if he completes a diversion program. Now, how did “Al G Triple I” get caught with the smoking gun bong? Apparently, he was pulled over for doing  100 miles + per hour in his Prius. Are you frickin’ kidding me? How the hell do you get a Prius to do 100 MPH? Are you feeding the squirrels in the engine crack-filled acorns? Impressive, “da Ali G 3”, you have managed to make being “green” really about the green while erasing the gas saving value of the Prius by going warp factor 9. “She’s breaking up, Captain. She can’t handle much more.” Yes, Captain Weed, you are amazing. At this point, Mean Al “Green” has pleaded guilty to two felony counts and two misdemeanor counts of drug possession.  Stay tuned for news about the most environmentally sound criminal ever!


Prison break-down

lane-garrison.jpg Not even I could make fun of this. (and trust me you, I am a complete hack who would make fun of my own grandma’s incontinence to get a laugh….because old ladies in diapers is extremely funny especially when it comes to a little smush patty making imprints of her 86 year old crack like silly putty)  Now that I have completely emblazoned a horrible imprint into your mind, I will ask you to actually give the next thing I write serious consideration. My good friends at TMZ have an exclusive video of former Prison Break star Lane Garrison’s PSA for drunk driving and the consequences. Most of the time celebs do PSAs you get the feeling they are about as sincere as Michal Vick donating jack to the Humane Society. (which, incidentally, is another good cause. There. I have done my good deeds for the year. Don’t come back if you expect things like this every day because, basically, I am an angry turd clinging to the bowl on a daily basis and my entire objective is simply to leave a stain.)  However, this dude really seems to mean it. Worth checking out. Go to TMZ.


Another day, another turd gets away

nicole-richie.jpgYou gotta be frickin’ kidding me? If Nicole Richie’s name was Nicole Smith or Nicole Jones she’d be getting jail love just like every other offender, But nooooooooooo. And are you shocked? Of course not because in Hollywood driving drunk is A-OK ! In fact, in order to serve any significant jail time (and no, Paris’ 23 days is not significant enough) you have to not only drive drunk but crash into the judge’s wife in her soccer mom / MILF minivan as Continue Reading